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Jarod Kintz

Born

in Salt Lake City, The United States

March 05, 1982

Website

https://www.instagram.com/jarodkintz/

Twitter

jarodkintz1

Genre

Humor, Literature & Fiction

Influences

Monty Python
Jack Handey
Ted Nancy
Steve Martin
Gary Larson
Mark Twain
Oscar ...more

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This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.

Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.

Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.

Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.

Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.

Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.

At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.

When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.

After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.

I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.

That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.

I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?

All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that. ...more

27 posts
Jarod Kintz's Blog

Jarod Kintz isn't a Goodreads Author (yet), but they do have a blog, so here are some recent posts imported from their feed.

My coffee cup is empty

My coffee cup is empty. Why don't you pour your love in and wake up my soul?
— Jarod Kintz (@JarodKintz1) January 3, 2016

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on January 03, 2016 18:41 • Tags: coffee, love, soul

View all 27 posts »

Combine Editions
Jarod Kintz’s books

Average rating: 3.98 · 964 ratings · 93 reviews · 104 distinct works

	This Book is Not for Sale 3.97 avg rating — 92 ratings — published 2011	Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Rate this book Clear rating 1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars
	Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81. 4.14 avg rating — 85 ratings — published 2011 — 3 editions	Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Rate this book Clear rating 1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars
	I Want 3.91 avg rating — 75 ratings — published 2010	Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Rate this book Clear rating 1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars
	The Mandrake Hotel and Resort to violence if necessary 4.48 avg rating — 65 ratings — published 2013 — 3 editions	Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Rate this book Clear rating 1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars
	E-mails from a Madman: namdam a morf sliame 4.09 avg rating — 64 ratings — published 2006	Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Rate this book Clear rating 1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars
	It Occurred to Me 3.69 avg rating — 54 ratings — published 2010	Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Rate this book Clear rating 1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars
	Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life by Jarod Kintz, Dora J. Arod (Translator) 3.71 avg rating — 35 ratings — published 2011	Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Rate this book Clear rating 1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars
	At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it. by Jarod Kintz (Author), Dora J. Arod (Translator) 3.47 avg rating — 34 ratings — published 2012	Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Rate this book Clear rating 1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars
	This Book Has No Title 3.74 avg rating — 31 ratings	Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Rate this book Clear rating 1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars
	Six Foot and Some Change: A Chronicle 4.50 avg rating — 20 ratings — published 2012 — 2 editions	Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Rate this book Clear rating 1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars

More books by Jarod Kintz…

Quotes by Jarod Kintz (?)

“I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

2411 likes

“I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

1850 likes

“One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

1743 likes

See all Jarod Kintz's quotes »

Polls

What is the best love quote?

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.Dr. Seuss

149 votes 44.5%

Love is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it.Nicholas Sparks

42 votes 12.5%

Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose. Jarod Kintz

41 votes 12.2%

Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair. ― William Blake (write-in)

34 votes 10.1%

"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel" - Forbidden by Tabitha Sazuma (write-in)

26 votes 7.8%

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.Ambrose Bierce

24 votes 7.2%

You can only give your heart away once, after that, everything else will chase your first love. - Tarry Fisher - The Opportunist (write-in)

9 votes 2.7%

"Centrum Permanebit" -The Fiery Heart (write-in)

7 votes 2.1%

Blake (write-in)

3 votes 0.9%

335 total votes

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Topics Mentioning This Author

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Chicks On Lit: what are you reading.	12581	7731	Feb 16, 2023 07:49AM

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